AM I ENOUGH?
Question 1: Top Marriage Questions From Men Series
By Josef Kauzlarich
The following article is part of a series focusing on the top questions men have in marriage. The purpose of this series is to highlight the top concerns of men and offer their wives practical advice on how to react to it.
Am I enough? Surprisingly, this is one of the most common questions a husband asks himself in marriage.
According to research by Shaunti Feldhahn, about 75–85% of men say they carry a deep internal question—“Am I able? Do I measure up?” —whether as husbands, fathers, or providers.¹ This insecurity drives much of their behavior in marriage and highlights how important affirmation and respect are to them. Focus on the Family reinforces this truth, noting that when wives use affirming words and gestures, husbands feel noticed, appreciated, respected, loved, or desired.²
My gut reaction when I hear this question is to say, “Suck it up and be a man. Stop being so sensitive and needy.” But that attitude is usually more part of the problem than the solution.
Boys grow up with a desire to be masculine, often perceived as being stoic and unfeeling—able to bear whatever pain is necessary to get things done and keep moving forward. To some extent, this impulse is good. Without the steel resolve of many men, much would not have been accomplished throughout history. It is a God-given strength to look adversity in the face, accept it, and press forward productively.
That said, in marriage, this posture can be detrimental and lead to misunderstandings. A husband guarding his feelings around his wife can damage the relationship because he will feel closed off and emotionally distant. He does this not to avoid connection, but because he’s been taught vulnerability is weakness. Worse, he misses one of the greatest gifts God grants men through the marriage covenant – the emotional support and affirmation of his wife.
Men Open Up Differently
Men are more comfortable opening up to women than to other men. Two male friends can spend their whole lives together, sharing activities and conversations, and never reveal deep emotions. Most men go through life with few, if any, friendships that could be called emotionally stirring.
Yet men have feelings too. Suppression and stoicism may work for a time, but eventually a man needs emotional connection and support. This support is most often sought from his wife—but not in the way women might expect.
Men do not simply open up. They have to be drawn out, slowly, sometimes painstakingly. When my wife talks with me about my feelings, usually on a day I’m acting downhearted, I often can’t even tell her why. It sounds impossible to a woman, but the reality is I rarely stop to analyze my emotions. My mind is almost always in one of three modes: task execution, deep thinking or problem-solving, or relating (conversing and thinking about others, especially my wife and kids).
My wife, however, sees through it all. After nearly two decades together, she can read me like a book. She knows instantly what I’m feeling, even if I don’t. When she points it out, I often become uncomfortable—if it’s positive—or defensive—if it’s negative. Herein lies her superpower: she helps me process my feelings and speak truth into my life in a way no one else can, because I rarely let anyone else.
A Wife’s Superpower
My broader point is that I let Nikki reach me where no one else can. With her, I am emotionally vulnerable.
Her real superpower is her ability to speak into my heart in a way that reaches the deepest parts of my being. The love and affirmation of my wife is the greatest and most encouraging gift I could ever receive because she truly knows me and chooses me anyway. She sees the deepest, strangest, and darkest parts of me and still deems me worthy of her affection.
This is why men ask the question, “Am I enough?” It is rooted in the deeper question: “Am I worthy to be loved?”
Noble Men See Women as Priceless
For noble men, women are inherently worthy to be loved. Noble men see women as priceless, beautiful, wondrous, captivating, and awe-inspiring. A good man wants to make something of himself to be worthy of one of these creatures of perfection. The slow-motion scenes in movies where a man sees a woman he admires may seem cheesy, but they capture well how men feel. Men know women are valuable. They also know—rightly or wrongly—that they have to work to win one.
A wife is a prize to be won, not in the sense of ownership, but as one to be treasured and cherished. Receiving the affection and admiration of a wife who willingly gives her whole self is exciting and fulfilling. It gives a man a sense of purpose and worth that little else can. A man who feels loved by a woman feels powerful, confident, and driven to greater things to keep her affections.
The Power of Love and Affirmation
Have you ever seen the Peter Pan movie where John gets kissed by Tiger Lily? The boy turns beet red, fixes his glasses, and single-handedly finds the strength to turn a gate crank that leads to their escape. It may sound silly, but that is what a woman’s love and admiration can do.
Noble men will go to hell and back for a woman who loves them and consistently affirms them. More than this, they are motivated to do even greater things to win her continued affection and attention.
Marriage counselors warn that if affirmation is absent at home, husbands will often begin seeking it elsewhere—through work, friendships, or outside accomplishments—as a way to feel worthy.³ This makes a wife’s words and actions of respect and encouragement all the more critical.
This is why it is so detrimental for a wife to withhold love, deprioritize her husband, disrespect him, or discourage him. These things send a message that he is no longer worthy, desired, or valuable. It doesn’t just make him feel sad or hurt—it makes him question his personal worth.
On the other hand, when affirmation is present, the results can be powerful. Focus on the Family shares testimonies of wives who chose to intentionally affirm their husbands, finding that marriages grew stronger and more joyful as a result.⁴ Honest words of appreciation, spoken consistently, can transform the atmosphere of a marriage.
What should you affirm? Chances are, your husband does many things you rarely think to thank him for. When was the last time you noticed and appreciated him for mowing the lawn, working hard at his job, or even washing the dishes? Here’s the thing about men: you get more of what you reward. When you love and affirm a man for doing something you value, he’ll almost always do more of it. A good man wants to please his wife, and he will lean into what is noticed and reinforced.
What About an Ignoble Husband?
Throughout this article I have used the term noble man. This is intentional, because it takes nobility and virtue to recognize the priceless gem one’s wife truly is. But what if a wife is married to an ignoble husband? What if she, like Abigail in Scripture, is married to a self-serving, debased man who does not value her? Is such a man worthy of love and affirmation? Perhaps not. Yet I would still say to women the same thing I say to men: Jesus’ answer would be yes.
In Marriage Is Worth the Fight, I devote chapter after chapter to teaching men their duty to sacrifice and serve their wives. I hold back no punches and remove every excuse for not loving well. So please know what I say here has already been said three times heavier to husbands.
Jesus’ Radical Way of Love
The world says if your husband doesn’t love you well, don’t love him back. If he doesn’t meet your needs, withhold your body, affection, attention, and service. Basically, abandon him to his own devices and move on to whatever self-serving need you want to fulfill. But does this sound like Jesus?
Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). If we are to treat enemies this way, how much more should a wife love the man she pledged herself to?
Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Does that sound like walking away or deprioritizing one’s husband?
Jesus said, “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave” (Matthew 20:26–27). Does that sound like serving oneself instead of one’s spouse?
I know Jesus’ way seems radical and unlikely to yield results. The very real fear is that you will take the high, sacrificial road only to see no change—or to have it all fall apart anyway. And this might happen. You can love your husband well, only for him to abandon the covenant anyway.
And yet Jesus also said, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:10).
Faith in God’s Way
What this really comes down to is faith in God. Do you trust Him enough to believe that if you do things His way—love your husband His way, lay down your own agenda to meet his needs—God can take your efforts and work them for your good?
It may take time, but I believe you give your marriage the best chance of success by loving the way God calls us to love—sacrificially and with a servant’s heart. It is no guarantee, but God does guarantee to work your obedience for your good (Romans 8:28).
You know exactly what your husband needs to feel loved. You’ve been with him long enough to understand the intricacies of his desires. But if you think affirmation only comes through physical intimacy, that’s not true. Physical intimacy is powerful—it can make a husband feel supported and draw you closer together—but it’s not the only way he can be affirmed. Simple words of encouragement, spoken here and there, often mean more to a man than you realize.
I encourage you to try an experiment: love him the way he loves to receive it for a full seven days. Go all out for him and write down his reactions. Pay close attention to his response. It may be small at first, but the love of Jesus is transformative and powerful. If anyone can change your husband for the better, it is Him. Put your faith in Jesus, and love your spouse with all your might.
Endnotes
Feldhahn, Shaunti. “4 Secrets in Your Man’s Heart (That You Need to Know).” Shaunti.com, July 26, 2017.
“Affirm Your Man.” Focus on the Family. Link.
“Be Careful: Your Husband Will Seek Affirmation Somewhere.” Marriage Missions International. Link.
“Honest Affirmation Can Make Your Marriage Great.” Focus on the Family. Link.