Session One - The Call to Greatness

Oct 20

The following is a small group session I conducted recently. It is the first installment of a four part series I am running through with men from my church. The follow on discussion from this session was rich and enjoyable. It is primarily a rallying call to men to step up in marriage.

Session One – The Call to Greatness

I pray that God saves you from the struggle that Nikki and I had to face. Our marriage started on strong footing, but quickly ran into increasing troubles. A mere two years into our marriage, my wife was looking into my eyes and suggesting that separation might be the best solution for us. This is when the fight to save my marriage began. This season was overwhelmingly difficult and painful, but I’m so glad I went through it. Sure, some of the pain was caused by struggles and arguments with my wife, but the much harder part was facing myself.

In C.S. Lewis’ Voyage of the Dawn Treader, there is a boy named Eustace. He was a terrible excuse for a young man and, in a moment of greed and betrayal, he was turned into a dragon. The dragon was ugly and smelly, a reflection of the condition of Eustace’s soul. That’s what I was like—a monster of a man who thought he was his wife’s hero.

I was selfish, caught up in my own world and imaginings. When I thought of my wife, I could only ever focus on what she wasn’t doing for me, or how she wasn’t meeting my expectations. I told myself that I was willing to die for her, but I struggled to put her first in the simplest of ways. I was closed off emotionally, I didn’t know how to dwell quietly with Nikki, and worst of all, I was completely unaware of all of this.

Sin had made me blind. I could not see or understand the monster I was inside, or how much I had refused to surrender to God. But isn’t it just like Jesus to take the darkest period of our lives and turn it around to make us people of worth once again? Just like Aslan had to come and painfully rip away the scales on Eustace’s body, Jesus had to slowly and painfully deal with all the layers of filth I had allowed to grow over my calloused heart.

As it turns out, marriage is worth fighting for—and this fight is not with your spouse. It’s a raging, daily duel to the death with the worst parts of your inner self. The fight is hard. It’s painful. It requires every ounce of effort to kill the dragon inside. Was it worth it? Yes. Yes, it was.

The payoff of winning this fight is truly remarkable. It’s far beyond what we could ask, think, or imagine. The benefits of participating in God’s institution—His way—are overwhelmingly good for your life and happiness.

Our culture, however, is in a point of crisis when it comes to the value of marriage. Once considered the cornerstone of civilization, marriage is now in steady retreat across the United States. Fewer Americans are marrying, and those who do are waiting longer than ever before. The national marriage rate has fallen to one of its lowest points in recorded history—just 6.1 marriages per 1,000 people as of 2023.¹ Among 40-year-olds today, one in four has never been married, compared to just 6% in 1980.² For over a decade, married households have accounted for less than half of all U.S. households—a historic first that signals a major societal shift.³

Much of this change is driven by cultural forces that have redefined how Americans view relationships, family, and personal fulfillment. Where marriage was once seen as a necessary step into adulthood, it’s now often treated as a capstone achievement, pursued only after career, personal growth, and financial freedom are secured.⁴

Do you see part of the problem? People only go into marriage after spending enough time looking out for number one—themselves. We’ve become obsessed with self in our culture. I must ensure my personal comfort, wealth, and satisfaction before getting married and starting a family. Men cover this up with lines like, “I just want to ensure we have a secure future,” while stringing a young woman along with empty words, only to abandon her when things don’t work out. Women lose their most fertile years chasing experiences for themselves instead of immersing themselves in God’s greatest adventure for them - motherhood. We’ve become obsessed with self-love, self-pursuits, and self-worship—and then we wonder why anxiety is so high and our sense of fulfillment and purpose is so low.

But delaying God’s greatest plan and adventure isn’t the only problem. People are increasingly redefining what marriage is or avoiding commitment altogether. Cohabitation, long-term singleness, and even polyamory are being normalized. For many, the perceived benefits of marriage are achievable outside of it’s traditional construct. Many no longer think that marriage itself outweighs the risks that it brings.

Men, in particular, are undergoing a quiet yet dramatic shift in their relationship to marriage. While many young men still say they hope to marry someday, a growing number express uncertainty or outright disinterest. A Pew Research study found that 27% of never-married men aged 30–50 said they did not want to marry at all, compared to just 8% of women in the same group.⁵

This cultural undercurrent reveals something deeper than statistics alone: a growing identity crisis around manhood. As traditional gender roles evolve, many men feel unsure of what society—or marriage—expects of them. Their natural masculine traits are constantly under attack and blamed for society’s ills. Strength, courage, leadership, and risk-taking are twisted and misrepresented as mansplaining, aggression, or bravado. Men are told to be less “man-like,” and instead to become beta-males who worship at the feet of women.

The reaction to this attack on men has been arguably worse than the attack itself. Men, understandably frustrated by a culture that rejects them, have turned to the absolute worst representations of manhood for answers. Online influencers, using this frustration to exploit men and steal their money, teach them to double down on their worst attributes. They tell men to dominate women and allow no pushback. Only marry the young and vulnerable—and if they ever displease you, let them go and find the next one. Their core idea is basically: Get money, control women. They disguise it in delicate language to make it sound virtuous, but it’s poison to men and broader society.

This also leads to fewer men seeking marriage. Online communities like the “red pill” movement and “men going their own way” actively discourage marriage, portraying it as a dangerous gamble—emotionally, legally, and financially.

And external forces aren’t the only problem. Good men in marriages—men who truly want to succeed—are bombarded with worldly pressures and temptations. Pornography is just a click away, and promiscuous sex can be purchased for a low price. The demands of family life combined with work pile up, weighing men down and making them feel like the whole world is on their shoulders. Feelings of loneliness and inadequacy run rampant, until one bad season of marriage convinces them to abandon it altogether.

Yet despite all of this, many young men still yearn for marriage. Surveys show that most young, never-married men still say they want to marry someday,⁶ and many believe marriage would make them better men.⁷ The hunger is there—but the cultural narrative has lost its ability to call men up to something greater. Instead, it feeds their most debased and fleshly instincts, stunting the mental and spiritual growth of boys stuck in aging male bodies.

Without vision, men cast off restraint. Without purpose, they walk away from what they were created for. That’s why we must return to the source. We must begin a movement that calls men to run after God.

Why do we need men to lead the way? Because men lead, and women follow men. Built into our very design are roles we were intended to play. Our bodies are not the only part of us that reflect maleness and femaleness—our very souls are infused with our biological sex.

Our bodies reveal and portray this inner truth to the world, and it cannot be changed. When we walk into eternity, we will not be genderless, because God didn’t design humanity that way. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” This is the only point of diversity mentioned in Scripture when it describes humanity being made in God’s image. That tells us that men and women are not only different, but different down to their very essence.

The way a man reflects God’s image is different from the way a woman does—and both are equally valuable, necessary, and wonderful. This complementary relationship, established by God from the beginning of time, is a masterstroke of His omniscient nature and sovereign design. No human mind could have conceived a design more wonderful and intricate than our great God. He weaves together so many purposes within this one institution called marriage that it staggers the imagination. Experience tells us that His design is the only way that works. But we’ll return to this later. For now, I want to focus on the relationship between husband and wife.

Men were designated as the head of the wife in the institution of marriage (Ephesians 5:23). But before we as men get excited about this, we need to understand what it means. It’s not so much a system of authority as it is a system of accountability. It has never been about answering the question, “Who is in charge?” That’s an earthly focus rooted in our deep desire for dominance. In fact, this fight for dominance can be traced all the way back to the consequences of the fall in Genesis 3. God told Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you.” It turns out the power struggle for dominance in marriage is rooted in the fall. Don’t be part of it! Headship is not about authority—it’s about accountability before God.

All of humanity is accountable before God. Ultimately, every single person who has ever lived will stand before Him and give an account of their lives. The good in each of us will produce enduring crowns, and the bad will be burned away (1 Corinthians 3:12-15).

While this is true, marriage establishes an additional accountability structure. It doesn’t replace the primary one, but rather adds to it. In this structure, husband and wife both have the opportunity to earn heavenly reward for how well they play their roles. But as the head, accountability for the use of marriage’s transformative power ultimately falls on the man.

Marriage is a powerhouse of transformation and has been the bedrock of society and culture since Adam and Eve. It is the stabilizing unit that keeps families connected and loyal to one another. It is the environment where children are born and generational wisdom is passed on. It is the powerful combination of maleness and femaleness, unified in intimate relationship and purpose, that achieves incredible feats for broader society.

Men were designed to lead this powerhouse of transformation, and women were designed to follow. This is why men must lead the way. Where men go, women will follow. Women are currently giving up on marriage in our society because men are! If we can turn the hearts of noble men back to their God-given purpose through marriage, we will not only see more marriages—we will see cultural transformation. A husband and wife seeking to honor God with their marriage are downright lethal to the enemy.

Think of a couple you deeply admire. Odds are, the people who come to mind are ardent lovers of God, and it pours out of every fiber of their being. They are attractive, and their influence for Christ and His Kingdom grows with each passing day.

This is one of the enormous benefits of marriage—you gain intimacy with a person whose very soul is infused with femaleness. The man who properly elevates and respects his wife will benefit from her counsel, wisdom, and practical actions.

Now, as I transition to the benefits of entering the marriage institution, I want to point out something important. A thematic analysis of verses in the Bible about marriage roles has very little to say about the benefits a husband brings to his wife. Instead, the verses speak to the duties of a husband. Surprisingly, when the Bible speaks to the role of a wife, it more often highlights the specific benefits she brings to her husband. Eve herself was presented to Adam as a gift with inherent value. Get the message? Scripture ties the value of wives to their inherent female nature, while tying the value of men to their willingness to fulfill their marital duties. Women don’t have to earn this value—they already have it. Men, however, have to earn it.

I am not saying that men are less valuable before God than women. Both are equal in His sight. What I am saying is that the thematic message God gives to men versus women is very different and very telling about the duties of our individual roles. Men are told to fulfill their duty by leading with love, service, and sacrifice. Women are told to support with the beauty, wisdom, counsel, and managerial strength God has inherently granted them.

In what way is a wife valuable to a husband? Remember, women represent attributes of God that men rarely express. This is one of the great benefits of marriage. By joining in an intimate union with a woman, you gain a complementary partner who helps offset your personal weaknesses. In the same way athletes on a team have different physical and mental traits that help them excel in their roles, a wife brings traits to her husband that make them collectively better and more potent for the Kingdom of Heaven when they are both properly oriented toward serving the Lord.

Beyond this, the Bible has much to say about a wife’s value. Let’s review the following verses:

“When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.” (Proverbs 31:26, NLT)
“Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:15, 18, NLT)
“She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She carefully watches over everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.” (Proverbs 31:17, 27, NLT)
“When a man finds a wife, he has found a treasure! For she is the gift of God to bring him joy and pleasure.” (Proverbs 18:22, TPT)
“Who could ever find a wife like this one—she is a woman of strength and mighty valor! She’s full of wealth and wisdom. The price paid for her was greater than many jewels. Her husband has entrusted his heart to her, for she brings him the rich spoils of victory. All throughout her life she brings him what is good and not evil.” (Proverbs 31:10–12, TPT)
“Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil.” (Ecclesiastes 9:9, NLT)
“Every part of you is so beautiful, my darling. Perfect is your beauty, without flaw within.” (Song of Songs 4:7, TPT)
All of these benefits a woman brings to her husband are great, but they are not the greatest. The most wondrous benefit of getting married is the opportunity it provides for eternal greatness.

We need to remember that our lives are eternal. That perspective helps us stop living with a myopic focus on the wrong kinds of achievements here on earth.

There was a recent study suggesting that many men think about the Roman Empire almost daily. Why? I believe it’s because we’re oriented for greatness and want to be part of something great. As men, we’re wired this way. We care deeply about our name, legacy, and personal greatness. The problem is, we often define greatness all wrong.

The world tempts us with its version of greatness. Playing to our unhealthy desires for dominance, security, influence, and pleasure, it tells us to seek the highest position, earn the most money, become famous, or chase endless gratification of our most basic physical desires. Men who follow these paths become enslaved by them, growing ever more depraved in their pursuit of “more.” They trade what God calls truly valuable and great for the lies of this world, and become small, decrepit creatures in the process.

It’s important to know that our desire for greatness is not the problem. God wants us to be great! The Bible, taken as a whole, calls us to live our best life in Him. One of the very purposes of a wife, as we just discussed, is to exhort us to higher standards of living and achievement. But what are those higher standards?

Jesus told us that the greatest among you will become the servant of all (Matthew 20:26). Greatness, then, is tied to how well we serve God and serve others. But what does it mean to serve God?

This is where the world’s lies often creep into the church. We begin to equate service to God with the number of congregants, the hours spent serving at church, the amounts we’ve given, or how many people we’ve led to salvation. But what if God primarily wants us to focus on a very limited set of people He has placed closest to us? What if greatness is actually found in places we’d consider small?

What good is it if you gain the world for Christ but lose your wife in the process? God can use anyone to reach people, but He has given one wife to one husband. This is the wonder of God’s power and knowledge—He effortlessly carries out His sovereign will and design. Nothing happens apart from His plan, and He uses all of it for the good of those He loves—His children.

Each of us is with the people we’re with for a reason. God is not surprised by who your spouse is, and for one reason or another, you entered into the deepest, most intimate relationship with her. Our wives are our most important mission field, and our greatness—which, remember, is tied to service—will be measured by how well we loved the ones God placed closest to us, starting with our wife.

I bid you, therefore, to stand up and lead our culture back to proper understanding and order. My work in Marriage Is Worth the Fight isn’t just about improving your marriage—it’s about making it a beacon of hope in a dark world.

Make no mistake: our culture is dark—but I also believe it has many sources of light. We seem to be on the brink of national revival once again in our great history, and we will only see it if we start to be different. We will only achieve this if men stop acting like boys and, instead, humbly embrace a life of service to those around us.

This is hard. It’s not going to be easy. Day in and day out, I toil for my wife and family. I don’t have nearly enough time to do the things I want, watch the shows I want, play the games I want, or read the books I want. Why? Because I’m putting my cares and concerns aside for those I love. I’m not trying to elevate myself here—I’m illustrating that a life of service and dedication to God’s ways is hard. If you go into it thinking it’s going to be a cakewalk, you will fail or give up. Expect it to be difficult—to take every ounce of strength you have—so that one day you hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

And yet, God’s yoke is easy and His burden is light. Even so, His yoke is still a yoke. There is work to be done. One of my favorite passages comes from Romans 13:

“To live like this is all the more urgent, for time is running out and you know it is a strategic hour in human history. It is time for us to wake up! For our full salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. Night’s darkness is dissolving away as a new day of destiny dawns. So we must once and for all strip away what is done in the shadows of darkness, removing it like filthy clothes. And once and for all we clothe ourselves with the radiance of light as our weapon.”

(Romans 13:11–12, TPT)

This is our burden, fellow men of the Most High God. Did you think that this life and your remaining time here were about your personal comfort and happiness? In one sense, yes—because we serve such a good God. But the path to joy is work, effort, courage, risk-taking, fight, leadership—and guess who God made with all of these traits? Us—the men of God. We are the light Paul is talking about, and our time to shine is short.

What is the payoff? The reward is the satisfaction and delight of our Father in heaven. He already loves each and every one of us. But He delights in those who are obedient to His ways (Psalm 147:11). Just as we earthly fathers delight in watching our children grow in obedience and goodness, God enjoys watching us do the same.

And because our God is so good, the payoff is even greater. There is no satisfaction or pleasure in life that compares to delighting in your wife. Our wives are treasures to cherish in this life and the next. For all eternity, she can be your best friend and greatest source of affirmation and joy. But we have to lead the way. God designed us to go first. Our families, communities, nation, culture, and world depend on it.

And isn’t it just like our God to be with us every step of the way? Isn’t it just like Him to make it as simple as loving our wives well? You don’t need to conquer the world. You don’t need to lead thousands to Christ to earn God’s favor. There is nothing wrong with those things, but they don’t need to be our primary focus. What do you need to do? Love your wife well. It really is that simple. Why? Because God will take your example and show it to everyone.

Never forget: the world is watching. People are weary of answers that come from darkness. Your light will shine in the midst of this world’s empty answers. You and your marriage will become attractive. People will admire you and appreciate the steadfast example they see. They will want what you have and won’t stop until they get it. Doors will open for you to share God’s love with others. Generosity will flow in and through you. You will grow in justice, mercy, and humility. You will be God’s son, and He will be your Father.

This is not a childish game. Souls are on the line. What a privilege it is to be alive and to face this bold challenge. The saints of ages past would have loved to be alive today in this era of eras. Let’s do our legacy proud and run our race well. As Proverbs 10:5 says, "Know the importance of the season you’re in and a wise son you will be. But what a waste when an incompetent son sleeps through his day of opportunity!”

Endnotes